Safe Space: Guiding Teens through Grief
A teenager whose parent has just died enters a crisis of grief and loneliness. This pain, however, can be moderated through counseling that brings together other young people confronting similar loss. “Safe Space” is such a program, offered free of charge, and led by Penny Gadzini and Dan Bottorff,
psychotherapists at the Creative Living Counseling Center in
Allendale, NJ. Because such guidance is rarely practiced and little understood, the Center asked New Jersey writer David Cates to meet with Dan and Penny to learn about their work, as reflected in the following interview.
DC: You probably didn’t know what to expect when you started?
DAN: The teens came in gradually, seven of them, all sullen and barely speaking. Smiling, I asked, “How many of you were forced to come here? I bet you were told you don’t have to go back if you don’t like it!” They looked around and nodded. That broke the ice. One girl said, “I hope people talk,” and they did.
PENNY: As the session ended, a girl said, “I’m not coming back.” Another asked her, “When do you get your braces off?” (They both wore braces.) And they talked about their braces. Then the second girl said, “I hope you come back.” And she did. Four kids from that first group signed up for our second series. Repeaters are welcome.
DC: It sounds as though some bonding started right away.
PENNY: Young people who’ve experienced such a loss need to find a safe place to share the reality of their experience. They’re on a roller coaster ride of emotions, which many must suffer in silence.
DAN: And relatives often don’t know what to say. The kids all have examples. It’s a long list. They even laugh about it. When an adult says, as one did, “He’s in a
better place,” the boy just shut down. There’s no way to answer. But here in Safe Space you get to talk about that remark, how it felt, and what you’ll miss going forward. “My dad won’t walk me down the aisle at my wedding,” a girl says and feels the tears. All the other girls know what she means.
DC: Do you talk with them about how they’re coping, for example, at school?
PENNY: We’re not there to judge or recommend, you understand, but we do ask what they’re doing to take care of themselves. Some concentrate more than ever on school work, others have a harder time of it. But we were surprised to discover how important athletics are in their recovery. Soccer, running, basketball!
DAN: They also will find a friend to talk to, and they listen to music.
DC: You’re both ministers. How does that influence the counseling?
PENNY: I know there is a spiritual reality beyond the physical. What we do here, without talking about it, is simply recognize the presence of spirit, alive in the room. Where the spirit is, there is healing, and where there is brokenness, there is the spirit.
DAN: A girl couldn’t talk without crying, and so she didn’t talk. Three sessions later, crying, she told a very touching story about her father. It was just beautiful. She felt a freedom to let her express the depths of their connection.
PENNY: This is like no other group, because for these children there’s the image of the valley of the shadow, walking through it with one another and knowing that it opens out at the end.
DC: How does your collaboration work?
DAN: There’ll be times when I don’t know what to do next. It’s a kind of stuckness that can happen. Maybe I start a line of questions that doesn’t go anywhere. Then Penny offers a whole different perspective, and we’re all connected again.
PENNY: It’s not just a matter of listening with our ears and our minds, but with our hearts and our feelings too. Leading such a group is less an I intellectual process than staying tuned in to what’s going on with them.
DAN: Think about it! They are girls and boys, and the lost parents - and survivors — are men and women. It makes good sense that the counselors should reflect that balance. These kids are so vulnerable, and with such different needs and histories that we - as adult surrogates - should be a bi-gender resource for them.
DC: What do you see for the future of Safe Space?
PENNY: The demographics are relentless. Parents keep dying in midlife, from accidents, illness, even suicide. And war has become another cause: how many of those returning in caskets have children? This work is very gratifying. The kids open up in one another’s company, and it’s breathtaking to watch how mutually caring they become. The grief doesn’t go away, but they gain enough stability to moderate its impact. The program should, of course, remain free, which means that if we are to expand - even continue - we’ll need funding via gifts and grants. We’re making those appeals now.
February 4, 2005 Copyright 2005 by David
Cates, Maplewood, NJ Edited by Dan Bottorff
Creative living is now offering a grief group, meeting at the same time as the teen group, for parents and/or guardians who desire an opportunity to discuss their experience.
To request more information about Safe Space call 201 327-2424; Dan Bottorff x235 or Penny Gadzini x254
